Another Branch in Joe's Family Tree

Have you ever had that creepy feeling like someone was behind you, looking over your shoulder, watching your every move? Well, I'm having it right now. I think it's because all morning long, my new sex offender-loving coworker has been behind me, looking over my shoulder, watching my every move. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or maybe she's related to Joe.

Apparently, she is bored. Either that, or her new lover's stalking fetish has rubbed off on her. (And yes, I do mean rubbed off.) My boss is out of the office this morning and must not have left her anything to do. So, she has been in my office constantly - wandering around, picking up papers on my desk and looking at them, reading the messages for the bosses that are turned upside down so people don't read them, etc. I've tried the subtle "What can I do for you?" or "Is there something I can help you find?" in that sing-song voice that anyone else would recognize as "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!" All she says is "No, that's okay," and continues fiddling with stuff. My stuff. My stuff on my desk. My stuff on my L-shaped desk that requires her to walk in behind it and stand in my space to mess with things that don't belong to her. Yeah, that stuff.

Most of the time, she doesn't say anything. She just tromps up here, stands in front of my desk with her hands on her hips, and stares at me. Needless to say, it's a little unnerving. I've tried engaging her in conversation, hoping that something I say will offend her senses and she will run away. That was unsuccessful. Do I ignore her, pretend she isn't boring holes into my sternum with the fire from her eyesockets, act as though I always have an audience to everything I do? Or should I start rocking back and forth, counting my fingers and chanting, "Three feet of personal space, three feet of personal space!"? Or perhaps begin farting loudly over and over, giggling "Excuse me" each time? If I go with that, I think I'm going to need to bring some refried beans to work or something.

She's only 21, and she doesn't have much office experience yet. She hasn't learned how to control THE VOLUME OF HER VOICE, social skills are a little untweaked, and nobody has told her yet that cursing isn't a normal part of legal vocabulary unless you're one of the attorneys. Don't get me wrong, she's pleasant enough, but dang! Learn how to interact on a human level with others! Granted, she doesn't say "That's what she said" constantly, but she does find a way to tie her I-have-abuse-love-with-young-girls boyfriend into nearly every conversation. And she sings to the music in her office. And it's not that good. The music or her voice.

It's not like I have never worked with crazies before. I spent six months working at an Amigos with two kleptos, a retarded woman who didn't think she was retarded, and a 40 yo manager who brought her bong to work so she could hang out with the teenagers outside while her 10 day old baby she'd had with our married superviser laid in a hamburger bun crate in the back room. I know crazy. But this is a whole new level of body shiver-inducing nuttiness and I'm a little uncertain as to how to cope. Anyone got any suggestions? Suggestions that don't involve hiding a body in the staircase?